This was published in a University Newspaper, YESTERDAY...
The squirrel deportation and resensitization program
There is NO such word as resensitization... I think the dork means DEsensitization.
By Henry Soong (Henry is lonely)
Posted: 2/25/08
I'm very afraid of the squirrels that live on campus (you should be afraid... VERY afraid) the ones who'll follow you like a pack of wild dogs (except much smaller, and cuter) if you're walking to class alone in the dark. With their little scampering claw-paws (he's a poet) , I'm pretty sure they could stage a coup d'état and be running the University within days if they wanted to. (Probably do a better job) Defying nature, the campus squirrels don't seem to hibernate during the winter. (maybe they should have a squirrel life training class that teaches them to hibernate) Every morning, they scurry to-and-fro (now there is a phrase that doesn't run across my conversation frequently ) across a snow-blanketed Quad attending to their business while students jog late to class. Occasionally, they'll pause and stand on hind legs, surveying a monotonous sea of North Face jackets. They're too desensitized to people, if you ask me, (but we didn't ask you) and the situation is not being helped by people actively making friends with them. (They should be fined and flogged) A while ago, I saw a man feeding Chex Mix to a small posse of squirrels (what are a flock of squirrel classified as?) like they were ducks at a pond. The euphoric group ate half the bag before the elderly gentleman got up to leave. But having tasted the wonders of toasted Chex squares and rye bread, they followed the man as he shooed them away with his cap. The posse dispersed, deciding to badger a tour group of high schoolers and parents instead (BONUS ROUND) . A little girl (high schooler!) in the group shrieked in terror (my daughter would have dropped kicked them) and threw her bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos at the swarm, running in the opposite direction of the tour, pigtails bobbing comically behind her. A friend of mine (no name friend) has also had a bad experience with the squirrels of campus. One particularly intrepid squirrel decided to share a table with her as she read one morning outside the Union. It hopped onto her table and took careful steps towards her Chemistry book, seeming to take great interest. Not knowing what to do, my friend kicked the table and fled inside the Union. She vows never to read there again (Oh my goodness, she has been SCARRED for life). More recently, I happened to notice (because you were by yourself) a squirrel chasing its tail on top of one of the University's metal-lidded stone trash cans (that dog like pack behavior again). The squirrel was having a merry time running circles around and around the lid until it lost its balance and tumbled into the can like a discarded bottle of water. Sounds of it frantically scratching and searching for an exit echoed from deep within the rubbish heap. After a good minute or two of laughing, I worked up the courage to lift the top of the bin so the squirrel could hop out.(squirrel hater helping the squirrel) The crafty squirrel, however, managed to escape just before I came to its rescue. It hopped out onto the metal cap, and the two of us faced each other in a slow-mo, Matrix-like moment. I won't lie. I ran away screaming from the trash can just like the pigtailed little girl. (Dude, IT's a squirrel... now if you told me he hopped out with a chainsaw, I MIGHT have some sympathy for ya, meanwhile the squirrel is grabbing its little furry side because it is laughing at you) I'm well aware that the University's squirrels have quite a large fan base considering the official "U of I Squirrels Rock my World!" Facebook group that is 222 members strong (proof college kids need MORE homework). However, I refuse to let these Chex Mix-grubbing, patio table-hogging, trash can-inhabiting little monsters chase the good students of the University into hiding. (sounds like you and only two other people have issues) Therefore, I am calling on the University to take swift action (your kidding right, they will first have to do a environmental impact study, then a financial analysis, following which a special committee will be set up to discuss the issue and make a recommendation to the board of regents who only allow agenda items on animals on the Tuesday following the third full moon after the winter break) to deport all squirrels on campus grounds to somewhere remote, (like Illinois) far from human contact (like your dorm room). I am also proposing that all deported squirrels also enter a human resensitization program (that he should lead) to re-instill their natural fear of humans.(And you should be in a program to grow some chest hairs and not scream like a little girl) Any attempts to alter squirrels' fearless campus behavior will require extreme measures (resistance is futile). I suggest hiring a handful of Olympic sprinters to chase tirelessly after the squirrels on the Armory track (I like it, not as creative as my solution that would have involved airsoft guns for each student at enrollment) for several hours of terrifying pursuit (how is being chased equivalent to terrifying?), their fear of humans should return.(and you know this Dr. Doolittle because...?) It may be a costly (can't pay Olympic participants... ruins their eligibility) and time-consuming (Several hours is time consuming?) program, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. (What are the cost benefits of having squirrels afraid of humans? Did this guy talk to the lady from the Eagle) Picture a day in the distant future when you or I can open a trash can without being attacked by a volley of skittering squirrels (Should be a John Lennon Song.. Imagine all the trash cans, living without squirrells...). The truth is, (NOW we get to the truth) we can have such a bright future. Vote "yes" (VOTE??? Yall are VOTING on this??? We can't get them to vote on a president for the country but they will go running, frothing at the mouth to vote on squirrel deportation) on Tuesday Feb. 26 or Wednesday Feb. 27 for the University of Illinois Squirrel Deportation and Resensitization Program. Henry is a freshman in Business. (Henry needs special counseling) He is also in favor of introducing owls (Until they chase him out of the trees) to cull the explosive squirrel population on campus.(Henry is also very lonely and hasn't had a date in quite some time)
By Henry Soong (Henry is lonely)
Posted: 2/25/08
I'm very afraid of the squirrels that live on campus (you should be afraid... VERY afraid) the ones who'll follow you like a pack of wild dogs (except much smaller, and cuter) if you're walking to class alone in the dark. With their little scampering claw-paws (he's a poet) , I'm pretty sure they could stage a coup d'état and be running the University within days if they wanted to. (Probably do a better job) Defying nature, the campus squirrels don't seem to hibernate during the winter. (maybe they should have a squirrel life training class that teaches them to hibernate) Every morning, they scurry to-and-fro (now there is a phrase that doesn't run across my conversation frequently ) across a snow-blanketed Quad attending to their business while students jog late to class. Occasionally, they'll pause and stand on hind legs, surveying a monotonous sea of North Face jackets. They're too desensitized to people, if you ask me, (but we didn't ask you) and the situation is not being helped by people actively making friends with them. (They should be fined and flogged) A while ago, I saw a man feeding Chex Mix to a small posse of squirrels (what are a flock of squirrel classified as?) like they were ducks at a pond. The euphoric group ate half the bag before the elderly gentleman got up to leave. But having tasted the wonders of toasted Chex squares and rye bread, they followed the man as he shooed them away with his cap. The posse dispersed, deciding to badger a tour group of high schoolers and parents instead (BONUS ROUND) . A little girl (high schooler!) in the group shrieked in terror (my daughter would have dropped kicked them) and threw her bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos at the swarm, running in the opposite direction of the tour, pigtails bobbing comically behind her. A friend of mine (no name friend) has also had a bad experience with the squirrels of campus. One particularly intrepid squirrel decided to share a table with her as she read one morning outside the Union. It hopped onto her table and took careful steps towards her Chemistry book, seeming to take great interest. Not knowing what to do, my friend kicked the table and fled inside the Union. She vows never to read there again (Oh my goodness, she has been SCARRED for life). More recently, I happened to notice (because you were by yourself) a squirrel chasing its tail on top of one of the University's metal-lidded stone trash cans (that dog like pack behavior again). The squirrel was having a merry time running circles around and around the lid until it lost its balance and tumbled into the can like a discarded bottle of water. Sounds of it frantically scratching and searching for an exit echoed from deep within the rubbish heap. After a good minute or two of laughing, I worked up the courage to lift the top of the bin so the squirrel could hop out.(squirrel hater helping the squirrel) The crafty squirrel, however, managed to escape just before I came to its rescue. It hopped out onto the metal cap, and the two of us faced each other in a slow-mo, Matrix-like moment. I won't lie. I ran away screaming from the trash can just like the pigtailed little girl. (Dude, IT's a squirrel... now if you told me he hopped out with a chainsaw, I MIGHT have some sympathy for ya, meanwhile the squirrel is grabbing its little furry side because it is laughing at you) I'm well aware that the University's squirrels have quite a large fan base considering the official "U of I Squirrels Rock my World!" Facebook group that is 222 members strong (proof college kids need MORE homework). However, I refuse to let these Chex Mix-grubbing, patio table-hogging, trash can-inhabiting little monsters chase the good students of the University into hiding. (sounds like you and only two other people have issues) Therefore, I am calling on the University to take swift action (your kidding right, they will first have to do a environmental impact study, then a financial analysis, following which a special committee will be set up to discuss the issue and make a recommendation to the board of regents who only allow agenda items on animals on the Tuesday following the third full moon after the winter break) to deport all squirrels on campus grounds to somewhere remote, (like Illinois) far from human contact (like your dorm room). I am also proposing that all deported squirrels also enter a human resensitization program (that he should lead) to re-instill their natural fear of humans.(And you should be in a program to grow some chest hairs and not scream like a little girl) Any attempts to alter squirrels' fearless campus behavior will require extreme measures (resistance is futile). I suggest hiring a handful of Olympic sprinters to chase tirelessly after the squirrels on the Armory track (I like it, not as creative as my solution that would have involved airsoft guns for each student at enrollment) for several hours of terrifying pursuit (how is being chased equivalent to terrifying?), their fear of humans should return.(and you know this Dr. Doolittle because...?) It may be a costly (can't pay Olympic participants... ruins their eligibility) and time-consuming (Several hours is time consuming?) program, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. (What are the cost benefits of having squirrels afraid of humans? Did this guy talk to the lady from the Eagle) Picture a day in the distant future when you or I can open a trash can without being attacked by a volley of skittering squirrels (Should be a John Lennon Song.. Imagine all the trash cans, living without squirrells...). The truth is, (NOW we get to the truth) we can have such a bright future. Vote "yes" (VOTE??? Yall are VOTING on this??? We can't get them to vote on a president for the country but they will go running, frothing at the mouth to vote on squirrel deportation) on Tuesday Feb. 26 or Wednesday Feb. 27 for the University of Illinois Squirrel Deportation and Resensitization Program. Henry is a freshman in Business. (Henry needs special counseling) He is also in favor of introducing owls (Until they chase him out of the trees) to cull the explosive squirrel population on campus.(Henry is also very lonely and hasn't had a date in quite some time)
Now if this guy had talked about INJURIES or RABIES or POWER OUTAGES I might have some sympathy. And yall thought I had a squirrel issue.
BTW - I will follow the voting at UofI and let you know if the squirrels are going to be subjected to Olympic sprinters.
BTW - I will follow the voting at UofI and let you know if the squirrels are going to be subjected to Olympic sprinters.
3 comments:
I'm very afraid of the male student on campus who obviously has too much time on his hands...
& Possible Possible REasons for Lonliness:
1) Got kicked out of the chess club for being too obtuse?
2) Attended so many Star Trek conventions (in full character costume)that he weirded out his last 2 friends?
...oh, forget lonely, Dude, just say no to drugs!!!
~Quiltermama
Not a posse or a flock... but a dray of squirrels. Weird.
Uh...someone give Tracy some meds. She is talking about squirrels chasing people...are you hearing voices too? Hee Hee
CeCe
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